Cope toxic relationships and control: how abuse hits adolescents

Marta Ostiz

"It was a bit jealous, but I didn't see it bad, it seemed like a sample of love."."I always wanted to know where I was and with whom, I asked me to send my location...I wanted to take care of me "."He bothered him not to respond immediately to his messages and I thought: poor, he will be worried".

The authors of these phrases would never have been considered victims of sexist violence.They are women who have grown up seeing how the feminist movement took the streets, how purple ties filled the facades of the municipalities every time a woman was killed, and despite everything, they did not have enough tools to identify themselves as victims.

"The first time someone told me: Alba, do you know that you have suffered sexist violence? I was discussion".Indeed, with only 15 years Alba suffered psychological violence by his partner, but was not aware of it until 10 years later.

In those 10 years, the consequences of the relationship emerged in the form of nervous anorexia, anxiety, insomnia and depression, which he could not overcome until he was aware of what he had lived.

"It made me feel that I was alone in the world, that he was the only one who loved me and that I was to blame for his aggressiveness," Alba recalls in an interview with Efe.

First relationships: under the ideal of romantic love

With 15 years, and without previous experiences, he lived everything "more intense" and under the ideal of romantic love."They do not wear a sign that puts 'I am an abuser', it looked like a normal, attentive boy, very cool...It was a bit jealous, but I didn't see it bad because it seemed like a sample of love ".

The problem became more evident when she wanted to end the relationship."He took me home and tried to have relationships, but I refused, then he took my neck and put me against the wall".From then on, threats, emotional blackmail began, and even attacked Alba's new couple.

That relationship marked the rest of Alba's sentimental experiences."I was afraid of men and sex became a taboo," he acknowledges.Until one day he went to the theater to see the play "not only the blows" by Pamela Valencian."The band's bandage fell and the Puzzle pieces began to fit".

Workshops to detect the signals of a toxic relationship

To help fit these pieces, the Ana Bella Foundation has launched the "Abuse is not love" program, which aims to approach 23.000 adolescents in three years and help them detect the signals of a toxic relationship.

In the month they have operated, they have given talks to 1.800 students from 3rd of ESO, mainly in Andalusia, and have detected 30 cases of potential victims, while another 11 have come to the Foundation to ask for help.

Rocío (who was a victim and prefers to hide his real name) is one of the formators of the program and believes that many young people have normalized toxic relationships."A large part of adolescents think that sexist violence is a problem suffering from older women, housewives, without studies.They feel very far from that reality ".

The same goes for sexual violence."They do not know what abuse is because they relate it to a stranger who assails you in a alley, but not with his partner".

During the workshops, they give them examples of day to day: control Instagram publications, followers, try isolate yourself from your friends, unseen -consequent sex under accusations that being narrow or boring...

"We make them see where that relationship can lead and that, even if it does not hit you, is conditioning your life.Control and limitations are a type of psychological abuse ".

At the end of these talks - Detalla - many girls have approached and told us: "I have realized that I am living an abusive relationship".

Of subtle control to blows

Sara's life would have been very different if, in her day, someone would have taught her to see those first signs.

"With 16 years I started a relationship with a boy ten years older than me.He didn't tell me anything about the clothes because he liked to look at me and that others knew he was his girlfriend, but he took my mobile, wondered who he talked to and if he didn't answer the phone he thought he was with another ".

In Sara's eyes everything was "very subtle", until the blows began.In spite.

"We had moved from Gandía, where I had my family, Valencia.One night I beat me and the next day I went to work.My partner told me: you have to report him because he will kill you ".

Sara spent a last night with her aggressor in which she took the opportunity to collect all her things and return to Gandía to report her.He was sentenced to two years in prison.

"I thought it would never happen to me, that I would never consent to a man hit me, because my mother was also a victim of sexist violence and I witnessed that abuse," but it wasn't like that.

Sara believes that machismo is widespread among young people."It is normalized" and they see as normal behaviors that are not.She is going to start collaborating with the Ana Bella Foundation to give talks and has launched with her mother a brand of natural cosmetics (Kierete) that collects funds to fight sexist violence.

Both Alba and Sara coincide with the importance of training young people and adolescents, and address girls who are going through a similar situation to tell them: "I ask for help.To a friend, a teacher, the doctor, but I ask for help ".

They also highlight the importance of psychological accompaniment to victims."Violence makes a dent in your self -esteem, in your ability to decision and need to recompose yourself".

Artificial intelligence to detect toxic love

With the same purpose, a group of students from 2nd basic FP of Margarita Martínez, professor of the IES Extremadura (Mérida), has created an application that allows to distinguish whether a behavior is toxic or healthy in a relationship.

This is "Amorsano", which can be downloaded from the Institute's website and install it on the mobile and that has won the Prize for Best Digital Resource for the International Hall of Technology and Educational Innovation (Simo Education 2021).

"Phrases or facts that can be very obvious to you, for them they are not so much," says Martínez."For example, 'Look if I'm online while I am in the institute' for them it can mean 'he cares about me', although it is really a clear control".

MOP-MSR /mcm

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