How the phenomenon for which we always chose the same type of couple works (and always go wrong)
There you are.In a cafeteria with a person you have met in Tinder.It is attractive and intellectual, but also egocentric, like all in which you look.He tells you about the books he has read in the last month when, suddenly, he gets a feeling of familiarity.You have already lived this scene before.This story has not even started and you know how it will end: as the Rosary of the Aurora.But, instead of cutting for the healthy, there will be a second appointment.It may even be you who suggests it.
This is not an isolated case: many people leave (and even get married) with totally incompatible profiles.But why does this happen if a priori makes no sense?"The madness is to do the same again and again waiting to obtain different results," said German physicist Albert Einstein.The human being attracts what he already knows even if he knows that it is not the best option.And this phenomenon has a name: Dating Dej vu, a word game that refers to the famous French term ofjà vu (already seen).
An investigation of the University of Toronto ensures that we tend to fall in love with the same type of person again and again.The authors of this study conducted with more than 300 people in Germany conclude that, if we have the same problems in one relationship after another, whether stable or passenger, it may be because we choose the same personality features in our partners and we do it in a wayunconscious, all the time.On the other hand, we also usually look for personality traits that we believe we are missing, using them to fill emotional gaps.Or toxic personality features with which we grew up in the first years of our life.Escape from the loop is not easy.
Cristina, Madrid's 32nd, says she left the same type of people for a long time.“I was that typical friend who always suffered for the same reasons.I came out with people who had the same hobbies, the same customs, and even the same name, ”says Cristina, now married to the boy with whom he never dreamed.“After so many disappointments I decided not to go out with anyone else for a while.I ended up committed to a friend, a guy who was totally incompatible with the man model to which I always turned.He was always there but I never knew him, he was very busy wasting time, ”recalls Cristina.
For his part, Raúl, 29 -year -old professor, remembers what his appointments were like with the girls he knew online.“I only gave the thin girls and shorter than me.When I did a match by mistake with a girl that I didn't like physically, I got rid of it when I realized.I went out with some, but I never went from that first date, we didn't talk to each other later ”.
Although appointments such as Tinder, Bumble, Okcupid, Badoo or Facebook Dating allow to socialize with different types of people, they also need to define certain parameters to find our ideal partner: height, political ideology, hobbies or age.There is even an app to flirt called Hater that allows you to connect with people who hate the same as you.
“In general, people have certain preferences and tastes and we always look for that in the other.Many times we feel insecure in the face of the unknown and we are afraid to break the pattern to meet people with other characteristics, other nationalities, other customs...We resist getting out of our comfort zone and we get lost to someone different, ”explains Gabriela Paoli, psychologist and author of the book Digital Digital.
“Appointments applications, meanwhile, are designed to show you a person prototype, which you are looking for.But this is not a bad thing, however I could lead you to make mistakes, ”explains Paoli.“Now imagine, for example, to meet someone who is an athlete.If you have never practiced any sport, maybe this encounter would help you consider a change in habits and do something different.This can happen in many areas.That is why it is very important to develop that flexibility and adaptation capacity with others, taking into account that different people can bring us positive things.Leaving that comfort zone means risking and having confidence in oneself ".
What we should not change, according to Paoli, are the values we are looking for in other people.“There are certain principles that are fundamental and if they are not at the base, it is very unlikely that the relationship progresses and consolidates.We should not change them ".To break this pattern of relationships and quotes you have to be honest with ourselves, although this means admitting things that we do not like.
The key to breaking with the dating déjà vu is not to hold on to the same type of people, however difficult it may seem.How many times have we let a good opportunity to be attentive to something we knew it would not work?."You have to feel that we are deserving of a good love relationship and that love can come to our life regardless that we leave behind what we want so much but that, inevitably we will harm us," concludes Paoli.
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